On Fresh Air and Open Windows

I drive with the windows open. Freedom feels tangible when the windows are down. 

I can feel promise, hope, and fresh air. 

These things were previously not available to me. Much of my incarceration was spent in solitary confinement and closed custody. This means that I was seldom allowed outside of a small cell. In the Texas prison system, newer high-security housing does not include a window. 

Being totally enclosed with no exposure to the outside world is a strange kind of sensory deprivation. You lose all connection with the natural world. Your circadian rhythm gets thrown off because you never see the sun and often don’t know the time of day. 

In such an environment, I longed for things that are easy to take for granted. 

My biggest fear was that I would not make it out. 

My second biggest fear was that if I made it out, I would forget what it was like.

I made a promise to myself to not forget. I resolved to cherish simple pleasures in life and never forget how easy it can be to lose them. Living like that again couldn’t be an option. 

There is no comparison to what the sun felt like on my skin when I was released. I was overwhelmed with joy and gratitude. It was spring in Texas, the most beautiful time of year. I wish I could have bottled the way the air felt that day to revisit when life gets overwhelming. 

While that’s not possible, It is possible for me to remain present and take in the small joys of life in the free. I feel like this perspective is a distinct advantage. It’s hard to know how amazing fresh air is if you’ve never been locked in a box.